my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
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*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
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ᴱ
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.