*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
You Might Also Like
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”