Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
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Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.