GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
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At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
Don’t forget to tip your server
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
Squirrels before girls.
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.