For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
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Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
All. The. Damn. Time.
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times