Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
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Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.