Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
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Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
Who needs an Air Fryer?