Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
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Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
Jail
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.