Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
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her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
crochet youtube is brutal
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit