I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
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Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.