Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
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who called it hell and not heaven’t
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister