HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
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Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
This chloroform smells expensiv…
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course