My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
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WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
also my go-to takeaway order
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.