Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
You Might Also Like
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.