Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
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Good day meowlady
* tips cat
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
I just stopped by to water my horse.
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
Does it…does it take 3 days
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
haha same
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.