mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
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When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
Worst bar ever.
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
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Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?