ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
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I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car