it is time once again
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If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.