The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
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I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings