Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
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Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.