Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
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Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches