If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
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I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it