my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
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Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.