Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
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[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
Watching Escape to the Country. A couple with a budget of 600,000 looking for a house in the Chilterns.
First house: they want the kitchen at the back so they can open it up and extend it. For Hugo.
They want an extra reception room. For Hugo.
They want more space than a 60ft garden offers. For Hugo.
Hugo is one. Yes, one year old.
My resolve to not swear is being severely tested.
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not