Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
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5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
*checks Timeline*…
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.