[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
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me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi