I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
You Might Also Like
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
secret recipe
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
January is lasting longer than my marriage
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.