6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
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[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
Feel. He’s so soft.
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target