Don’t forget to tip your server
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Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
The glockness monster
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
KFC hitting the cannibal market
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot