I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
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This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume