I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
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[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer