me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
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*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.