REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
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[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
sounds kinky. i’m in.
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort