Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
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Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
This a good idea