disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
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There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?