I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
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*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.