*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
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when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
Are these grass-fed oranges?
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now