Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
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Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
Body by sandwich.
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her