FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 馃き
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If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It鈥檚 hard to say!
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 馃拃馃拃
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
I love rap beefs, it鈥檚 so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.
Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that鈥檚 just great
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that鈥檚 not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
Could鈥檝e posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.