ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
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elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready