Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
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we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.