Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
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*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right