Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
You Might Also Like
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*