Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
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“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
nobody’s gonna understand
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
Remember folks 😂
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
That’s not how days work.
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.