my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
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what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
Just ordered me some pizza!
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.