Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
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Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
kids play hide and seek like
Tier 3 meme
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.