[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
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*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
Hard not to take this personally
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.