It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
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I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home