if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
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There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button