Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
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Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
Meanwhile in Portland…
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.